IC CONTACT - DRIFT FLEET

[onlyanapple]

Hi, this is Anthony Crowley. Uh, I’m probably not in right now, or asleep, and busy, or something, but leave a message after the tone and I’ll get right back to you. Ciao. BeeeEEeeeEEeee.



[Voice][Text][Action]

FROM: SUBJECT: FIE did you hear about the guy... FIE the past, the present, and the future walk into a bar... it was tense FIE did you know babies are cooked at womb temperature? JAYDEN Happy dawning WOLFE Ten months late for work FIE You're doing a grape job with your bar. FIE Your decor remains fruitiful. FIE You have a bluetiful establishment. FIE Thank blue for the service. ALLEN Okay Castiel's been in the fleet several days and you haven't turned up in my quarters drunk... ANDERS I just wanted you to know that you've ruined my happy home life. ALLEN Crowley ALLEN Crowley I have some really good news!! ALLEN I got a bottle of Varric's newest product NANAKO Crowley I hope you've been doing ok! FELIX This planet is miserable ALEX PRESENT COMBO BREAKER INO Meet me at Allen's room -- ALLEN Ino's birthday is the 23rd INO So not only did I get Allen TWO different dates that he ENJOYED... ALLEN I haven't seen any magazines appear in my room lately. INO Alright, I need you to help me with something. ALLEN Who's Adam? INO Alright, you win. We're dating. ALLEN You're okay, right? INO You are SO dead the next time I see you ALLEN CROWLEY I THINK INO'S FOUND ANOTHER GUY

TO: SUBJECT: SAM Got something I need you to do for me. NAMI Sam's in the garden and he's being weird ALLEN ACTION TEK ACTION INO Okay so Sudden pop quiz question ALLEN You've been on two whole dates now and haven't even reported back to me once. INO Someone stole your face

inboxcode by cawaii

Comments

[lord_wizard]

[It's curious how close to despair elation is. He has to look away again before the cracks show, though it's harder to disguise the teardrops on the pillow. Silence stretches again before he draws in a breath]

So did you.

[Than what God had done to Crowley, which is another of quite a few stories he only knows the pieces of. Enough to know where the wounds were, because while he couldn't see people the way the demon could, he always seemed to pinpoint the things that would hurt them the most. Especially in people he loved.

And there it was. The thought he'd been avoiding. The word he'd still never say out loud but the presence of which taunts him.

I'm...[Sorry. Another word he doesn't like to say. His hand clutches in the sheet, then flutters uncertainly at Crowley's shoulder. He isn't good at being comforting and afraid to acknowledge, for both their sake, that there's anything there to comfort at all.] I needed to be sure it wasn't Atroma showing me what I wanted to hear.

[Which is true enough, in part.]

[onlyanapple]

Yeah. Well. What's done is done.

[He can't change his role in the universe. God made it that way. He's still bitter sometimes, but he knows he can't fix it. Just move forward. Be glad for what he has here, now. Away from home.

He turns his head in Felix's direction, serpentine eyes locking on him. There's no lazy smirk here, though. No idle brushing off of things that are unspoken, pretending they are obvious and don't need light shone on them. Because this time...it's important this isn't brushed under the rug.]

No. Atroma didn't put those words into my mouth. [A pause, a hesitation. ] Not then, not now.

[He's said it so few times, and he's honestly terrified of it now. It means a black mark. The beginning of the end. The opening fate needs to sweep in and take what's precious to him away. To remove any sense of happiness he has as soon as he admits it's there. He knows how this game goes and he doesn't want to lose it again. To go through all that heartbreak all over.

But the words come out anyway. Unbidden, unrestrained. It's the truth, and as real as the fear is, it's still not as great as Felix living here for however long, then leaving anyway - never hearing them. Never being aware of them. It may spell doom for the demon (that much he's sure, Paradisa taught him that lesson and taught it HARD) but it would be cruel to Felix to do anything else. If there's one thing Felix hasn't had enough of in his life, it's this.]

Because I do, you know. Love you.

[lord_wizard]

[The impact of the word is almost physical. He draws in a breath, sitting up a little further, shoulders hunched with sudden tension. Still looking down, his head shaking back and forth is what is at first denial of the words he'd just hurt, then at the fact that Crowley had dared to say them, then frustration at himself for pushing this into existence from his own selfish fear. He knows just as well as the demon what acknowledging those feelings can lead to. Paradisa only reiterated something seared into his heart since he was a child, watching his friends drown in the Sim. Watching Jolene gasp her last breaths in the street. It was like love safer hidden away where nobody could see it, hurt it, or take it away. It's too much. Every frenzied word he has piles together on the way out and sticks together somewhere in the vicinity of his chest. The only sound that comes out, at first, is a strangled whine.

But he created this. He might have even wanted this, despite the pain. Because of the pain, maybe. Running away is always an option, and while it seems like half of him is ready to do just that - to get out of this room and go back to feigned, blissful ignorance - he doesn't. He holds on, his leg winding tighter around Crowley's as if afraid he might disappear at that very moment.]

Crowley...[It's the only thing he can reach right now, because he doesn't know what he can say. He doesn't know yet if he can return the favor but the truth that the demon is working on occurs to him too - he'd stayed his tongue so many times and even then he'd lost them. He still wasn't convinced that to say it wasn't to draw the ire of fate, but what about all the times he'd been left with regret? Was that worth the gamble?

All he can do to answer was to lean back down for a kiss. It's simple - just the simple pressure of lips without lust. Connection. The only need is the one to assure Crowley that he's been heard and that the only person he's angry at is himself. It's impossible, now, to hide the fact that he's crying, though he still manages that in relative silence. Another hard-won skill from his old life.]

[onlyanapple]

[Crowley returns the kiss, and the feeling with it. This isn't about sex or one-upping Felix or any of his usual little games. The dread is still a stone in the pit of his stomach, weighing him down; a constant reminder that if anything should happen, it would be his fault. He crossed the line, spoke out loud what they've had a silent agreement on to never speak.

No going back now.

He doesn't say anything. Words would just seem...futile at this point. He does wrap his arms around Felix, though, pulling him in closer, one hand moving to soothe though his hair. He's not great at comfort, he'll admit it, but he's not opposed to trying, when it really matters. ]

[lord_wizard]

[For Felix, not having any words is a rarity. He'd been taught to distrust touch, largely by Malkar, who used it either as a weapon or as a means to control - a lie of affection he'd once believed. But Crowley isn't that man, and while he might be a demon, Felix has never known him to lie about anything that really mattered. It also helps that he knows just the buttons the press - that gentle tug of fingers through his hair. He lets it happen, pressing close, shattering inside over and over again from gratitude, fear, and fury. He's just as angry at himself that in the end Crowley was the braver one in the end.]

I do too..[It comes out a whisper a few minutes later. The closest he can get, but the meaning is clear. He refuses to let it slip away again without comment. Keeping silent had not saved Gideon. Nor Crowley, the first time around. Not again. Consequences be damned.]

[It finally occurs to him that the chill has gone. He's warm and comfortable, despite that lingering twist of anxiety that's settled between his shoulder blades and has nothing to do with his position and everything to do with the uncertainty of the future. He's half on top of Crowley at this point, and he makes no effort to shift and he drops his head to the pillow with a fragile sigh.]

What now?

[onlyanapple]

[The confession means a lot to him. It means everything. It settles in his chest and lays there like a heavy weight. It's terrifying, threatening to crush him, but at the same time, it's warm, comforting. It's an acknowledgement, an honest truth that neither of them undo.

He surprises himself with the realisation that he doesn't even want to. He has no idea how to proceed. Whatever he tried before just ended badly. Was torn away from him. He doesn't know how to conquer that. To make this one last. Because, Someone, he wants it to last. To not take a single second of it for granted, because neither of them could tell when their time would be up.

He shifts a little, resting his chin on the top of Felix's head, closing his eyes. He's quiet for a moment, trying to think of a worthwhile answer. Something that could help them. A direction. In the end, he settles for the truth. It seems the right thing to do, in the situation.]

I have absolutely no idea.

[lord_wizard]

[It's so purely honest that, after all that, it seems somehow funny. It draws out of him a quiet, frail-sounding giggle that seems to rattle inside the hollowness that had formed inside him. The one filling up with something tempestuous but warm.]

At least we're on the same page, there.

[It seemed like there should be some kind of direction to go after something like that. Something to label it and make sense of it, but nothing he called up really fit in the traditional sense. They'd been friends and lovers for years, without comment or barest hitch in their usual step. Boyfriend was a laughable modifier when applied to Crowley and almost makes him lose his composure the second it crosses his mind. Neither of them seemed particularly suited to traditional monogamy, either. It always ended up being that final wall between himself and those he loved. With Gideon, especially, but even Ashura. Even then.]

[Drawing in a shaky breath, he fumbled blindly under the blankets, tracing the line of the demon's arm until he could find his hand.] I don't want to be your shackles...

[He doesn't want to weight Crowley down. Doesn't want to hurt him. Doesn't want him to have to hold himself back because of a few words. He feels like something needs to change, but not if it involves sacrifice.]

[onlyanapple]

[And that was, of course, the crux of Crowley's problem. He wanted to belong to someone, no matter how often fate proved he couldn't have such a thing. He'd tried juggling two people once before, people he loved a great deal. It just ended in heartache and misery, and he inevitably ended up with no one. He didn't want to do that again.

He has no idea how to proceed. How to make it so he doesn't lose Felix, too. Fate seems uninterested in his efforts thus far. Take it slow, they leave. Take it fast, they leave. He has to do this on hope alone, and it makes him feel vulnerable. It's an all too mortal feeling, and he doesn't like it one bit.

He squeezes Felix's hand gently, thumb tracing over the skin of his hand. ]

Wouldn't consider you that, anyway. It's not tying you down if it's something you want.

[lord_wizard]

[Felix's hand flexes back in response, acknowledging as well as hiding the slight flinch in response to the words. He'd assumed that the way Crowley had chosen to operate in the past, that they were of similar mind on the weight that needed to be attached to sex, and had tried to insinuate that the burden was only Crowley's when it turned out it was really only his fidelity that was at issue. If that's what the demon meant at all. Felix had never placed a great importance on sex for the sake of sex but every possible meaning on it when it was part of something bigger, and somehow these two things had only ever been in conflict because of the other people involved. And while he'd tried in the past, it was difficult to alter that which always made him go looking to scratch whatever itch he felt had been neglected.]

That depends on your expectations. [He turns his head a little, afraid to break the contact, just enough to see Crowley's lips, though the perspective is blurred by his bad eye.]

You know what I am. [Not a question. The pejoratives float around in his mind at the mere mention.] I will probably disappoint you.

[onlyanapple]

[And honestly, Crowley understands. If it's one thing he gets it is the desires of others. It's what he knows without having to think about it. Temptation, and all that. Hew knows what Felix wants...what he needs. He wouldn't deny him that ever.

And so, he lets out a long exhale. ]

Felix, I've known you for far too long to be disappointed in you. I'm not expecting anything, nor am I your shackles.

[lord_wizard]

[It seemed hideously laughable from the outside that a demon would have a better handle on all of this, but neither of them were what the world thought they should be. That soothes some of the tumbling panic in his chest, though the fact that he's even suggested that Crowley might be a burden tears a small hole in his somewhere. He never knows when to keep his mouth shut.

Finally he does shift, moving his hand away to instead curl his arm over the demon's chest. He sits up just slightly, looking down at Crowley's face. His own is kind of a mess, but the following deserves the honesty.]

Let's not make promises, except for this. We both know that we have no control over how and when this will end, and when that happens...[He pauses, swallowing around knives]...there will be no regrets. No mourning.

[onlyanapple]

[Such is Crowley's nature. Not even he understands it completely. Or...you know, at all. He smiles a little and Felix. It's not one of his usual smirks, it's a little gentler, certainly softer. It's the kind of smile that reminds a person that once upon a time he was something else entirely. ]

Can't promise the no mourning thing, you know me too well enough for that, Felix. But as for no regrets? I'm sure we can manage that, between us.

[lord_wizard]

[The smile makes some of the ache drift away, basking in the warmth that Crowley spends so much time denying. He lets out another frail laugh and smiles in return, despite the tears cooling on his cheeks]

Wishful thinking on my part. [He knows that's true. He couldn't have stopped himself from mourning, either.] But, yes, that part I can do. Starting now.

[Another kiss, this time, just a light one. This time to seal the agreement.] For now...I'm here.

[Whether that means the bed, the room, or something greater does seem to matter much in the scheme of things at the moment. Felix shifts once more, slipping more comfortably to lay on his side, moulded to the lines of Crowley's body as much as he possibly can. The strangest part is that he feels safer than he can ever remember, despite the tenuousness of everything. Maybe that was because he has little else left to hide.]

[onlyanapple]

Hmm I did notice.

[Just a little levity, something to show that though things have changed, they also...haven't. They are still them, and nothing can really change that.

He settles into the bed, into just lying here, comfortable, a weight off his shoulders. The dread is still there, but it's been made a little less. He can, at least for now, relax a little. His fingers move to thread absently through Felix's hair, an attempt at a comforting gesture. ]